New year supposedly a new start, but it seems that there are certain things in life that would always be a repetition!
Chauvinism, nothing foreign about this word but what makes it irony is when one really experience it!
The Beginning - Wednesday
Just right before going into the new year, with the right condition, I ended up meeting A on Wednesday, someone I have spoken to for a while but timing was always off until that meet up. Funnily, I somehow really went without an expectation as to who I was meeting, nor did I have any clue how he had looked like, as just a couple days before I completely deactivated all social dating apps so I could revert to the traditional way of meeting people instead of relying on such platforms. Ironically, he turned out to be someone I actually really enjoyed talking to! The first impression he gave was extremely charming, not so much on the looks but rather the characteristics he held (then)! He was learned, well-read, could hold intellectual conversations and someone that would strive hard for the things he want to achieve. The conversations we had especially on the first day meeting, isn't something most would have talked about but we somehow hit it off with topics which would bore most people - business, finance and economics! Being an extremely realistic person, I was surprised that not only was I not turned off by his physical characteristics but instead was even more attracted by how he was able to carry himself - not feeling intimidated, like most I've previously met! I was astonished!
As the night was getting late and him having a business meeting to attend next, we bid each other goodbye but also set forth for a movie date the next day - StarWars: The Last Jedi; a movie I would have repelled to watch on any given occasion! As soon as we hugged and left, he called to tell me that he pushed back his meeting so that he could drop me off as I told him I Grabbed over earlier, instead of having driven. That chivalry gesture really subsided the rest I observed in him that day. Knowing that we were just meeting up for a drink, I politely told him it was okay to carry on with the things he had to do and I will find my way back, like I always do. Upon reaching home, we ended up conversing through chat again after I sent him a text thanking him for his offer and that I've reached home safely!
The Second Day - Thursday
Things escalated quickly, we ended up going for a premium movie at The Starling Mall's MBO and then headed up to Genting Highlands right after a quick meal at Mr. Fish; something I would not have done knowing a person on the second day! Lol to be honest, my life could have been in jeopardy! But perhaps his actions so far and his appropriateness being prim and proper made it a no brainier to trust him! Only having been together for a whole day, it felt like we have known each other long before this! He continued to be extremely proper with his behaviors and speeches; something many man could not resist with me 😂! This was Thursday and the night ended for both of us with him dropping me home after having wontan mee for supper.
The Third Day - Friday
He went on wanting to set a lunch date for the next day Friday, but I was feeling all awry as we were just spending too much time in such a short period, my cautiousness and consciences kicked in and that was when I started drawing away as I sense he was starting to idealize instead of seeing me as what I really am. But conversation through chat were as usual and somehow I sense that he was starting to idealize. In his exact words : “My feelings tell me You be a good wife and mother”! I was taken aback and flattered at the same time to be honest, but the fear was stronger, as this man, I’ve only met on Wednesday who barely knows me, tells me I would be a good mother and a wife which I myself occasionally doubt if I’m a good person even! Being a little petrified, I told him not to overwhelm me with that just yet and started being honest with him about my feelings. “And I’m gonna be honest, I barely know you and that everything is a bit too early to define. I’m still in the mid of trying to self-discover now that I’m back in Malaysia and that I may or may not take longer to adjust. So bare with me in the mean time and also possibly observe on your end as well as to what I really am and not idealizing instead. I do feel you’re starting to idealize 😬”, was what I said to him in response.
The Fourth Day - Saturday
Saturday came! He suggested a brunch where he would bring me to his favorite vegetarian place! Having treated him lemon the day before, I kindly obliged after feeling a little remorse for having done so the day before. After lunch, he had some work stuff he needed to deal with, so he politely asked if it was okay he dealt with it first. It was something not many would have done - the asking; but as usual his chivalry nature melted my heart and I once again obliged. Going on the day, we ended up in Low Yat KL to pick up his lappie and at the same time browsing. But while we were on our way, politics came in as a topic, and if any of you know me, you would know I don’t back down on this! I asked him about his thoughts on our current government and what are his thoughts on the opposition winning the next election. Perhaps due to his nature of work, his answers weren’t something I could be in agreement of and that was when the debate started! Hating to my guts is the word “naive”, people uses on me! Do you think you are smarter or that you have a certain supremacy over me that made it alright to have used them on someone? Anyone even? He did it! “You’re so naive to be thinking that way”, was the exact words he used! The old me would not have let those words slide and be kept through my baring teeth! But having changed, I let that go! I knew too well that not letting it off was just gonna make things worst and that I was still in the stage of observation, observing what a person he was like. Then though, I sort of knew he might be a chauvinist, a characteristic I longed myself to stay away from. Despite, I still wasn’t judging rather observing and noting on the things I saw and felt. That conversation ended after we got off the car when we arrive and went about exploring the mall!
The night resumed as I brought him to explore The Attic Bar on Petaling Street where we watch over the skyline view of KL from the patio, a place I loved to dear until the owner started hitting on me (never had the guts to go back alone for I fear my life would be in jeopardy, an exaggeration or not, I think it’s best to be more cautious😂)! We chatted the night away even more after when we went to Sids for a second round! The very first time I felt I could really connect, not just intellectually but also emotionally and spiritually! It was definitely one of the most memorable night through out! Before parting for the day, he wanted to schedule to meet again the following day, but knowing all too well it would be attachment before he knows it, I once again declined as I already had breakfast plans with my parents that morning.
The Fifth Day - Sunday
Came Sunday! With pre-appointment with my parents, I went on my day as usual, occasionally texting. He too had things he needed to do but believe would have skipped on doing if I was there! Anyhow came dinner and he wanted to meet to have dinner. I was a bit reluctant but went on as I felt bad he would be having New Year’s Eve dinner all alone, despite my partial 6th precept holding, where I would only have solid food before noon! After dinner, we walked for a bit at the night market before parting ways as I was to attend a new year's eve puja at BGF. He went on as well for his planned NYE.
The Sixth Day - Monday
Came Monday, he started voice calling and video calling vigorously but I let it ring on silent mode till the dial tone descended as I was busy all day with some family friends over. The pester to be talking on the phone continuously, put up a red flag! Instead of feeling all romantic, it started to feel like I was the lead actress in the abuse movie “Enough” by Jennifer Lopez, constantly being checked up upon and being spied by her husband! Any how, here comes the interesting part! I jokingly asked a fragmented question saying “Lol that's good! You aren't falling for me already are you?”, and to my surprise, he actually admitted to it! Not a surprise that he’s fallen but definitely was on how open he was about it.
Having felt bad, I revealed how I was feeling! “To be honest, there are a lot of things I see that we are different. And I do require my other half to be equally on the same pace or balance it by sharing out. The reason why I told you I am still observing because I do treat relationship very seriously when I enter one. I'm still trying to weigh things out to see what ticks me and what might be a challenge in the future and seeing if I can endure it. I don't believe in changing someone as that's never gonna stick unless the person wants the change themselves and sees the value as well. You may realize I do draw away occasionally even in the last 6 days because I don't wish to hurt someone by giving them false hope, unless I'm extremely sure. I really need more time to weigh it out and I really don't want to hurt you especially knowing now that you've fallen. The biggest concern is of your job nature, I do understand but I'm not sure if I would be able to deal with it. I'm a Libra and that it's all about balancing; work, relationships and social life. But we don't seem to be on the same length on that so far. Also the socializing, that's another thing I have concerns on.” was what I said to him after! Somehow or rather, I tend to love to rant through text messages! It’s a kind of habit that I have, perhaps because I can be more cautious by proof reading my words so that it doesn’t hurt, or that I’m more expressive with words. Either one or the other, it always doesn’t end good! My words tend to cut through straight into someone’s heart and that it did the same this time despite multiple times on reading and rewriting it.
But here was when it became juicy and a turning point for me on evaluating this entire thing! Let’s just say, I was pretty sure at that moment when it happened!
Before things got ugly, we have initially talked about meeting up over lunch to clarify any doubts whatsoever but most of the time, the rashness in doing something would kick in! Before we could even meet the following day for lunch, things already got sour when I told him “Don't fall for me even deeper from what you already have! Take it slow, observe and really also weigh out for your own if I really am what you think I am”! He then started explaining or should I say “justify”, how that shouldn’t be a concern! Things would have taken a different toll if he would have just let me sit on it a few days or at least until the following day during meet-up! Sometimes being persistent in trying to justify, ends up doing more damage than good!
Having been already annoyed by the persistence in telling me whatever I think is wrong, it went even further when he told me that what I’m doing is putting expectations in relationships! I admit, I do have expectation/s, but without expectation/s, one would end up being a lifeless being. With no expectation, there wouldn’t be drive, no drive what else life would be? It annoyed me further by telling me I’m chasing for perfectionism and that one should do excellency instead of perfectionism! I get it, but still expectation needs to exist for either one of these 2 to prevail! He went on by saying I have a blockage in my heart due to past experiences and environment! And previously established he said that he met another girl who’s heart had a blockage and that he ran for his life.
Being all heated inside still I managed to remain calm and asked “Then perhaps, I should be someone you be avoiding all together then”. Without much contemplation, he responded “Yes indeed” and went on saying “I more of compassion towards you now, And is your wisdom or 福气 to have this awareness”. I was flabbergasted! Not for the fact that he was having compassion for me rather, was trying to win this entire conversation by turning it around against me using his so called “compassion”! At that second, I knew very clearly that the chivalry, compassion and the kindness he showed in the beginning were all woos of pretentious! That very moment, gave me a wake up call on the reality I was facing and sent uncontrollable shiver down my spine! He went on with trying to explain and justify his reasoning of why he though I was not in “Equanimity” but I was already turning a deaf ear, with my heart and ears really blocked this time😂 This was the last message I sent him "We are completely different and it's close to impossible on how things would actually work out" before I called it a night, to let him know that I have solidly made up my mind and that it wouldn't work out! He proceeded on sending more messages after, which at that point I've completely tuned out partially due to exhaustion from the conversation while the other an expensive data that needed to be conserved hence it got turned off.
The Seventh Day - Tuesday
Went on my day as usual but was constantly guilty when recollecting on the words I used. I figured, after all, he mustered the courage to have come forth on with his feelings, risking rejection (which ended up happening anyway) and that he might throw out this gem of his because of how I responded to the situation. It is a rare quality in our society these days to be able to be vulnerable and open up on what we really feel inside. This was also one of the reason why I did really try and consider him as a partner, I would be utterly sad to see it go. He may not have been right for me, but women do value this quality in a men and that he would have chances as long as he up-keeps it.
The Eight Day - Wednesday
Feeling all guilty, I started drafting a message to explain what I felt and what was going through my mind as well as thanking him and finally sending him well wishes for his future endeavors. After much typing, editing and proof reading to making sure that it didn't inflict more pain than what he's probably already going through, I sent the message in hope for a good closure. But sometimes, it maybe best to just leave it as it is. Not only that he took it the wrong way but it turned out that I may have caused him even more pain, basing off his responses.
"When I told you all I felt that night, I wasn't trying to belittle you nor judge you in anyway, which is why I asked for more time. But things just took on the wrong way. You should know that I'm a very cautious person when making decisions and I really didn't see how by pushing it would have helped in anyway. To be honest, you are by far the first I've seen so intellectual and that I've seriously considered even for a long-term. And that's because I see that there were a lot of things we had in common that would make it work. But life isn't all about the good, there are other things we need to consider, as if the foundation is wrong to begin with, it would collapse eventually like how buildings with no proper piling work would be. I know we shouldn't have expectations and should work towards not having one, but we are no saints, we ain't perfect either and that being in a relationship is about accommodating and giving in to one another. If we were to really omit all expectations, we might as well renounce and be a monk or nun. We are just lay people trying to detach from cravings, hatred and delusional as much. But we will not be able to completely achieve it as long as we are still commoners. What ticked me off and make me make up my mind that night was your persistence in trying to be right. You weren't listening to understand at all to the things I said rather listening to rebut. I wasn't saying that I didn't think you were right for me but rather I have doubts and that I need time to sit on and clarify it. And when you reverse the whole entire situation and make it against me was when I knew we just weren't meant to be. Simply jumping into conclusion and saying that you sympathize with what I am because of my experience and environment was extremely narcissistic. It completely went against the compassion nature I saw in you. You already had perception that I'm a newbie in meditation or retreat without really even understanding who I am. This was what I meant by observing and understanding not idealizing. It may have been my first residential retreat a few weeks back, but I've always been practicing meditation ever since my encounter with Buddhism, at a very young age. And that's one of the reasons why we match because I see that you have some sort of that understanding not because of your pictures on tinder. Slow down in life, take one step at a time, observe and see things mindfully. Don't rush or jump as soon as you see it. You will fly even higher without the rashness on all the qualities you already possess. I really wish you nothing but the best in everything you do, in businesses and in relationships, A. I really did enjoy your company the short few days we spent, thank you."
I have since been on his block list as my very last message is still with a tick instead of 2, when I tried apologizing after realizing that my long drafted message did more harm than good. Well Life, ohh life, definitely an extraordinary new year!
Drawings/ Conclusion
Despite being a short lifespan of 6 days, I actually did learn, on what else I can accept and what else I can't and how I can improve on approaching future relationships.
Just when I decided to see people seriously and open to entering into a relationship, this happens! Haha life ironic it may seem, would always never go the way one perceives it to be!
I also definitely have learnt how and when to hold my tongue, this time around!
That poor soul though, shouldn't have met an experience messed-up, logical thinking based person like me to begin with! I supposed a disclaimer needs to be put out there in future to the people I meet "I ain't your typical Asian women, to know on one's own risk"!
***To protect this person, name has been changed so that it doesn't affect the life of this individual.
***The reason behind writing this was to set it as a reminder for me and hopefully would benefit anyone else who may come across situations like this.
😂😂😂
